The problem with the idea of marriage is that it’s just that, an idea. We are inundated with ideals of what marriage is like from TV shows and movies. Usually they are all depicting happy times, happy times that we all want however is that reality?
We all witness the marriage between our parents which we usually think is dysfunctional. We witness the marriages of other family members which we usually deem dysfunctional too. So why do we think that when we get married everything is going to be different?
Most people get so wrapped up in the idea of marriage, the good times and that’s it. We focus on the excitement of the engagement. After the engagement, all the attention is then placed on making the perfect day. One day. One fucking day. A day that some people go in debt for. A day that can cost thousands of dollars for frivolous things that are just things. These things have no relevance on how much you love each other. They don’t change the outcome of how your marriage is going to be. Within days the majority of the day is always forgotten. There’s so much stress and pressure placed on one damn day. Should we not be focussing on all the other days that we have together?
Most people don’t even realize when you’re in a relationship versus when you get married that people have a different ideals of being in a marriage versus a relationship and that’s when people see a change in their partner. Most of this is not conscious. There are a lot of subconscious beliefs surroundomg being married. No one discusses that. We should all be discussing what our impressions of marriage is, what it means, What you envision, what you expect etc etc before ever saying “I do”. Maybe after you find out that your husbands idea of marriage means you are to stay home all the time means “I don’t”. Maybe after you find out your wife thinks sex one time a month is enough means forget this !.
Let’s be real. Let’s realize the fact that we are going to fight, fights are normal and it’s how we resolve the conflict and work together that matters. Let’s talk finances, let’s be very clear where you are coming into this relationship and where I am. Let’s talk future goals. Let’s talk children. Are we having kids? how many kids do you want? How will we raise them? what are our beliefs around raising them? Let’s talk about all the hard shit that nobody wants to talk about before we get in too deep.
Let’s make sure that we realize that we have to both continuously put in effort to make this relationship work. There will be times that I don’t wanna make love and it’s nothing personal against you and vise versa. Let’s discuss intimacy versus sex.
Let’s make sure that we both know our love languages and what each other needs to feel loved. Let’s realize that our love languages will also change over time. Let’s create an open space where you can be honest with me and I can be honest with you, there is nothing off the table because at the end of the day it is you and me against everyone else. Everyone else is going to have an opinion of our relationship but they aren’t in our relationship, so the only people that should be discussing our relationship is us. If we want this to work we need to be united, we need to stand as one and we have to have each other’s back’s no matter what.
We always need to remember that it’s you and me against the issue. Not you against me , and me against you.
Marriage is work but it shouldn’t be a whole other job that you come home to. There should be flow and freedom. Let’s remember that the relationship will trigger us, however it’s meant to trigger us in order to grow and be better people together.
There will be days that will test your patience ... but at the end of the day if you are saying “ she drives me nuts but I still love her ... that’s what matters ...
