I’m so tired hun

 Babe I’m so fucking tired, physically and mentally I’m drained. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of having no answers as to why I feel this way physically.

I’ve now had a migraine and headaches for over a week again I had really thought this was done, I really thought I had it figured out. I don’t know if it’s the stress which I’m guessing it might be.I’ve only really told one person but I have what’s called a drain or nodules, I didn’t think it was anything major but I didn’t realize that it’s a form of benign cancer from my understanding.

Do you know what I wished the most tonight?  I wish that you were here and that I could just hug you and snuggle with you and curl up with you and I just fall asleep. I wish that I could feel loved. I wish that I could feel safe.I wish that I could feel connected. I long for a gentle touch. I long for caring and alarm for someone to actually care about me.

Do you know that all my life even growing up I didn’t really have anyone that cared about me. Not my parents, not my family, not my friends and sure as hell not any man in my life.  When I say all my life yes sadly I mean up until this day.

I’ve been abused physically and mentally. I won’t get into everything that’s ever happened because what’s the point? I will say that I was starved of love and physical touch but the worst part was at times when I was sick there was no one to care for me at all even though I lived in a house with my partner.

I had someone about me that after they heard everything that has been done to me along the years that they promised they would never do that to me. Well he did. He reflected childhood wounding I didn’t even know I had. Broken promises, the change of plans without telling me, the lies, the disrespect, the manipulation and much more.  I never got a birthday cards, Christmas cards or gifts.  I barely got a simple picture.  That is exactly the connection to my dad. My dad did the same thing. It wasn’t until a few nights ago I was watching a show and I realize that when that person left and chose someone else over me that it was reflecting the wounding in my childhood from my mother.

Things I wish I could say to you - D

 You’re so selfish. The only person you ever have thought about is yourself. Everything has always been about you in every single scenario.

I lost respect for you along time ago. I lost respect for you when I saw Nan doing everything she could to please you,  And all you did was take take take and never give. You were the one that should’ve been taking care of her not the other way around.

From what I hear you were the star child you got all the firsts and you got everything yet everything was just never enough for you.   

But when it came to me, you never gave a shit. How can I expect you to give a shit and the only person you care about is your fucking self. I saw that when you claimed that the person you love the most in this world who was ill and you wouldn’t change your ways in your habits to help that person become healthy. That truly shows character. It shows how selfish you are and honestly it’s just sickening.

But when it came to me, you never gave a shit. How can I expect you to give a shit and the only person you care about is your fucking self. I saw that when you claimed that the person you love the most in this world who was ill and you wouldn’t change your ways in your habits to help that person become healthy. That truly shows character. It shows how selfish you are and honestly it’s just sickening.

You were the one who was supposed to protect me, Love me, encourage me and support me. I did those things for you. Instead what do you do when I am trying to help you and when I’ve had to forge my own way through life without any help from you? You turn around and insult me. You call me stupid. How fucking dare you call me stupid? You have done nothing your whole life except to steal and take from everyone and not give a goddamn care about anyone. You have never helped anyone. But maybe you’re right, maybe I am stupid, stupid for forgiving you and stupid for trying to help you when you do nothing for me. You’re so fucking negative it drives me bat shit crazy. The way you talk is as if Life itself is just over. I’ve put myself out on the line to try and help you and in turn I got made a fool because it turns out you don’t wanna help yourself. I guess you just want to be the victim all the time and for people to run to you and cater to you.

Life itself is just over. I’ve put myself out on the line to try and help you and intern I got made a fool because it turns out you don’t wanna help yourself. I guess you just want to be the victim all the time and for people to run to you and cater to you.

All those years you could’ve helped. But what did you do? You took whatever little money you had and you spent it on expensive hair products, Luxury meals and drugs and booze. Not once did you ever ask me if I needed anything. I was a kid I was not meant to be supporting my parents financially but yeah I did the both of you two fucking losers. When I should’ve been focussing on myself and focussing on school and focussing on making my life better what was I doing I was parenting to imbeciles.

I was a kid who never got a break. Because you left I was in danger a lot of the time. Yet from the alcohol abuse or the many men coming in the house like a revolving door I didn’t know if I was going to end up with a parent who died or if I was going to be raped. Every night was a nightmare. I won’t even get into the other hell because you weren’t present and you didn’t give a fuck then so I know you don’t give a fuck now.

because you’re so self-centred I don’t even know if you realize how much you really use abuse and hurt people. I’ve seen you do it time and time again. Drain people, emotionally and financially and when they have nothing else to give you your move on, you cut them off and you never pay them back. You should be ashamed of yourself but clearly you have no morals, no values and honestly you have nothing to offer no one. You and the other one or waste of skin. You are cockroaches of life. It’s always the evil ones who outlive all the good people why I don’t know.

Maybe your partner loved you so much because they had a traumatic past and so you were actually a good thing, hard to believe but the bar must have been low and /or he was ok with complacency or didn’t have enough self confidence to do better.  Yes you should’ve helped himself and I believe he partially dead but you being his partner did fuck all to help with his diet nutrition and support him and what he needed. You were there to cry about it at the end though. You were quick to lash out at me when I was helping you again!!

You’re abusive and narcissistic.  As you know I’ve been on a spiritual path for some years, I know you don’t believe in that too small minded to believe in anything other than what you know. However even with all the healing, forgiving and learning I’ve done I honestly am having trouble navigating forgiving you yet again. I’m starting to believe so there’s maybe only so much forgiving I am capable of I haven’t figured that out yet. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that since you’re blocked on everything that should you die I won’t know. I blocked you and your identical twin the other lowlife loser and ran my grandmother into the grave.  So hard to believe that such an amazing woman burst to complete and utter failures. The only thing good that came out of you has been me.

I often think it’s a good thing that you left. Even though you fucked me up and I never got a birthday card, a birthday call for any acknowledgement of my mirror existence maybe if you had stayed I’d be even more fucked up.

I know your lies, the other one lies too. Guess that’s why you guys found each other in the first place.I can’t believe you had me convinced for a while that you might’ve been a good guy. Maybe you’re right maybe I am stupid but I believe anything.

 I can’t believe you had me convinced for a while that you might’ve been a good guy. Maybe you’re right maybe I am stupid but I believe anything.

Trying to decide with my last words to you would be for you to go fuck yourself or see you in hell but you and I are on the same level so I don’t think I’m going down there

The things I wish I could say to you - M

 The things I wish I could say to you, But can’t because you’re defensive. You’ve convoluted who you are as a person not only in your mind but you other people.

 you’ve told other people how good you were to me which is a lie.  Now that I’m older I understand that you couldn’t be good to me because you weren’t good to yourself but that doesn’t change how you made me feel back then.

you’ve always prioritized yourself, your needs, your fears and you manipulated me all the time. You took advantage of my kindness, and you still do. Because I loved you I could not see through what you were doing. It took me years to realize how much you used me.

Even to this day things that you do and say still trigger me. I’ve done so much work, so much work to forgive you, to heal but I realize you’ll never change and it’s not that I don’t want you to, I’ve changed but I don’t know how much I can let you be a part of my life being the person that you are.

Even to this day things that you do and say still trigger me. I’ve done so much work, so much work to forgive you, to heal but I realize you’ll never change and it’s not that I don’t want you to, I’ve changed but I don’t know how much I can let you be a part of my life being the person that you are.

You’ve always prioritized other people Over me. You’ve turned your back on me, you’ve stolen from me, you’ve lied to me and the worst part was you never acknowledging my feelings.

You’ve never made me feel special. Even to this day you remind me constantly how I am not unique, how I’m not special and how everyone goes through the things I go through. There is never a point in time where you can just listen and be empathetic, compassionate and understanding. If that is your defence mechanism that is fine but it doesn’t work for me. I am Constantly in a state of not feeling good enough because of how you talk to me.

constantly in a state of not feeling good enough because of how you talk to me.

I know you don’t believe the things I believe.I know you think a lot of the spiritual healing I do is bullshit. I bet at times you even think I’m crazy but you at least have to come out and fully said it. I’ve offered to help you but you refused, is it because you’re scared or is it because you simply stuck in your ways and you’re afraid of change?

I know you think a lot of the spiritual healing I do is bullshit. I bet at times you even think I’m crazy but you at least have to come out and fully said it. I’ve offered to help you but you refused, is it because you’re scared or is it because you simply stuck in your ways and you’re afraid of change?

You were the one that was supposed to be there for me, you were the one that was supposed to keep me safe, keep me protected but sometimes you were the one I needed to be protected from. We are blood, but clearly we’re not at the same blood. Your blood runs cold and I’ll never understand how you could treat me the way that you have what I have done nothing but protect you and love you When really it should’ve been the other way around.

when really it should’ve been the other way around.

At times I feel you set me up to fail, you’ve ruined certain events in my life and stolen the joy from things that should’ve been joyous. I’ve seen the jealousy, but I don’t understand it because how can you be jealous of me that makes no logical sense. I didn’t make it farther in life than You did yet you hold me accountable for the consequences of your own actions. I know you blame me, you blame me for ruining your life and you see him and me which must make you hate me on some level. All of that is not my fault. If you had healed And learned about healing we could be in a different place right now. It must be an odd situation for you to have in your head the dynamic of obligation without love.

and learned about healing we could be in a different place right now. It must be an odd situation for you to have in your head the dynamic of obligation without love.

I’ve seen some changes in you over the years very minute. You try and be positive but it’s like putting a smile on an evil person. It’s like having a two layer cake the cake is all full of hatred and resentment and anger and then you put a thin layer positive icing on top of it. Do you think that hides who you truly are? Do you think that hides your racism? Do you think that hides your ignorance?

Do you know how hard it was to see you destroying yourself with alcohol and choosing men who meant nothing to you over me? They did nothing for you, I did things for you, I loved you, I idolized you, I wanted to be like you, you were my role model (until you changed).  I saw you were strong, independent and fierce. But perhaps that was my illusion and as I got older and I started to see things clearly I started to see the wizard behind the show.

I need you

 If we were together right now it would be amazing. I need you so badly right now. I am scared, I am in so much pain and I am all alone. My head is hurting so badly I wanna cry but I can’t because of how much pain I’m in. 

I’m so tired, I just wanna sleep but I can’t because of how bad my head hurts. The pounding is coming from the right side and if I honestly thought that they could do something for me at the hospital I would go.

If you were here if you were here You could at least go get me a cold compress, or something to drink or simply tell me that it’ll be OK and hug me. But you’re not here. You are wherever you are with whoever you’re with.

You could at least go get me a cold compress, or something to drink or simply tell me that it’ll be OK and hug me. But you’re not here. You are wherever you are with whoever you’re with.

I’ve been taking care of everyone all my life, Not once has someone taken care of me and I’m exhausted, I’m burnt out.

The last two years have been absolute hell. The constant worrying, over thinking and inability to plan or do anything. The feeling of being trapped, hopeless and just wanting to give up on life. Things got really bad and I really didn’t know where to turn or what to do. If I had to pick an upside to it all I guess I would pick the spiritual awakening I had and the healing I’ve done.  However it was done alone ... like everything in my life.  I do acknowledge part of being alone is a choice ... but part of it isn’t.  Out of all times to be completely alone, my first choice wouldn’t have been during a pandemic.

I search for you, even though I shouldn’t as they say the universe will bring you together when it’s meant to be. I question myself, my healing and my journey wondering when it’s going to be time. I’ve felt I was ready but you’re still not here. Is that my doing? Is that you’re doing? Or is it simply divine timing that hasn’t taken place yet? I’ve spent many nights crying wishing hoping you’d hurry up and come. I’ve witnessed people come together and if people break up but none of that changes the fact that I’m here alone and you are no where to be found.

I wonder what you’ll be like. I’ve written many lists to request what you’ll be like and I sure hope that the creator can fit all of that into one person. I know if they can you’re going to be better than I could ever imagine.

I’ve watched TV shows and movies so that I could get a grasp of what being in a healthy relationship may be like and what it may feel like. All I can do is imagine as I’ve never experienced that. All the men before you have been abusive physically, mentally, some have cheated, lied, stolen from me and have been plain narcissists. It has been a never ending cycle of abuse. Does it stem from my childhood and the father I had ? I believe so.

I’ve never really had a man that was overly nice to me. All these romcoms that exist I’ve never had that. If they were to make a movie about my love life it would be sad. It would be a combination of a drama and a horror movie.

After all the years of all of everything I went through tired, tired of giving my all and raising someone up I’m keeping relationships alive always being the one to contribute everything I’ve got in order to receive very little in return. I was left devastated.  It’s taken so long but I finally healed it. It bothered me that it took me so long, it made me question and wonder why it was taking so long. I came to the conclusion that you can’t rush your healing. I also realized so much during that time, so many lessons learned that I will now share with others around the world in one way or another.