You

I recently got brave enough to go out on a few dates. It’s been an interesting ride I will say that for sure. This post however is about being you. Unapologetically, real, raw you.

I never understood this concept of pretending to be somebody that you’re not. I guess for me when it comes to loving yourself, personality wise I love myself it’s the exterior that I feel needs work. But I’m guessing some people have issues with their personality? 

The latest date said to me he could tell the type of person I was with in the first two minutes of meeting me, he said it was refreshing. He said most people are always trying to pretend or hide who they are but he said “not you” he said within the first two minutes I was saying “fuck this and fuck that and fuck fuck fuck”. I started to laugh my head off, I thought it was hilarious cause I didn’t even remember saying it. The way I look at it is this I will never try to pretend to be somebody that I am not, you either like me or you don’t. And it’s fine if you don’t like me I am not everybody’s cup of tea Nor do I need someone’s validation in order to feel whole. I’ve never been the type of person that seek approval from people. Have I wished some people liked me if I was interested in them yes but was a willing to change, pretend or sacrifice who I am in order for that to happen?  NO!

We all have issues, we all have trauma.Why hide and pretend you don’t?  Either someone is going to like you or they’re not and if someone doesn’t like you don’t waste your time and energy trying to change their mind because you could be missing out on the person who is going to love, except and cherish you for you the way you are. We all have gifts to offer, some of us just don’t realize what our gifts are yet. I believe in being straight up and honest from the start. If you ask me how my day went and I was sad, I’ll tell you I was sad today it was a really rough day.  I’ll tell you I have SADS and high anxiety.  I am very transparent, that way you know what you’re getting into and you can clearly decide if you want to continue or not. 

Moral of this post ... Just be you man !  Be authentic and let the chips fall where they fall.  Who needs or wants fake people in their life.  I’d rather be alone then with people who are pretending to like me and then talk behind my back.

Connection ... oh how lost it is

 It’s funny, I was about to write another post when it came to me that I should write about connection.

Aside from human connection and the fact that we’ve lost how to communicate and how to connect with people everything is now online, virtual and fake. 

I realized even writing has lost a bit of its connection. Back in the day we would take a pen and a paper and we would write. Then pen and paper became ribbon to paper aka a typewritter.  After that we introduced the computer, even with a computer you can still type keys however now a days I can just dictate everything into my phone, but I must admit it doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel as if I’ve accomplished something when I do it this way. It feels like it’s missing something .. heart ?  Soul?  Perhaps the connection for me lays in the tapping of keys.  

When you look around you realize that we have prepared meals, in the grocery store there’s chopped up fruits and vegetables as if we can’t even do that anymore. Everything has become easy and fool proof. There’s no longer any effort that really needs to go into anything it’s just there. 

Want a meal?  Call Uber eats.  Want clothes shop online.  Need something? Order it and get it delivered next day .. why bother to go to the store ? When we can stay at home and avoid human contact.

We used to garden, we used to pay attention to the soil, seasons and we used to take pride in growing things now all we have to do is go to the grocery store when we need something and pick it up.

It’s kind of sad but everyone is looking for connection yet so afraid of actually putting themselves out there and if they do receive it, how to handle it when they get it. However a lot of people are afraid to even put an effort in to obtain it but perhaps the reason why they don’t put an effort in is because they haven’t had to put an effort anywhere else in their life. 

So the question now begs how do we get back to where we were? Can we even get back to where we were? Should we even go back to where we were? Or will North America become like some societies where everything is stone cold, depersonalized and literally you can pay someone (a stranger) to come hug you hold you and pretend to be your friend for a while.

Torn

It’s 8:18 am and I haven’t been to bed yet.  I I was tired hours ago. All I do is think, think, and think some more. It’s really annoying. I’m really tired. Get my brain keeps running, seeking answers that I have yet to find.

I’m so torn. Torn between what I want to believe is the truth and what I know to be true. I want the fairytale. I want to still have hope, and believe that the fairytale is possible. However the reality of the situation is a completely different story.

Heartbreak is difficult.  Never knowing when it’ll end.  You pray and heal and some days it seems never ending .  Knowing that it’ll never work is one thing but accepting it is another.  

Side note:

I did a YouTube video explaining what happens when one persons knows that the other is meant to be their life partner and what happens when the other partner hasnt received their message from above.  Go to imsimplydynamic on YouTube for the video. 

The problem with idea of marriage

The problem with the idea of marriage is that it’s just that, an idea. We are inundated with ideals of what marriage is like from TV shows and movies. Usually they are all depicting happy times, happy times that we all want however is that reality? 

We all witness the marriage between our parents which we usually think is dysfunctional. We witness the marriages of other family members which we usually deem dysfunctional too. So why do we think that when we get married everything is going to be different?

Most people get so wrapped up in the idea of marriage, the good times and that’s it. We focus on the excitement of the engagement. After the engagement, all the attention is then placed on making the perfect day. One day. One fucking day. A day that some people go in debt for. A day that can cost thousands of dollars for frivolous things that are just things. These things have no relevance on how much you love each other. They don’t change the outcome of how your marriage is going to be. Within days the majority of the day is always forgotten. There’s so much stress and pressure placed on one damn day. Should we not be focussing on all the other days that we have together? 

Most people don’t even realize when you’re in a relationship versus when you get married that people have a different ideals of being in a marriage versus a relationship and that’s when people see a change in their partner. Most of this is not conscious. There are a lot of subconscious beliefs surroundomg being married. No one discusses that. We should all be discussing what our impressions of marriage is, what it means, What you envision, what you expect etc etc before ever saying “I do”.  Maybe after you find out that your husbands idea of marriage means you are to stay home all the time means “I don’t”.  Maybe after you find out your wife thinks sex one time a month is enough means forget this !.

Let’s be real. Let’s realize the fact that we are going to fight, fights are normal and it’s how we resolve the conflict and work together that matters.  Let’s talk finances, let’s be very clear where you are coming into this relationship and where I am. Let’s talk future goals. Let’s talk children. Are we having kids? how many kids do you want? How will we raise them? what are our beliefs around raising them? Let’s talk about all the hard shit that nobody wants to talk about before we get in too deep.

Let’s make sure that we realize that we have to both continuously put in effort to make this relationship work. There will be times that I don’t wanna make love and it’s nothing personal against you and vise versa. Let’s discuss intimacy versus sex.  

 Let’s make sure that we both know our love languages and what each other needs to feel loved. Let’s realize that our love languages will also change over time. Let’s create an open space where you can be honest with me and I can be honest with you, there is nothing off the table because at the end of the day it is you and me against everyone else. Everyone else is going to have an opinion of our relationship but they aren’t in our relationship, so the only people that should be discussing our relationship is us.  If we want this to work we need to be united, we need to stand as one and we have to have each other’s back’s no matter what.

We always need to remember that it’s you and me against the issue.  Not you against me , and me against you.

Marriage is work but it shouldn’t be a whole other job that you come home to.  There should be flow and freedom.  Let’s remember that the relationship will trigger us, however it’s meant to trigger us in order to grow and be better people together.  

There will be days that will test your patience ... but at the end of the day if you are saying “ she drives me nuts but I still love her ... that’s what matters ... 

If I am going to be honest .. I don't trust you

I've tried, I have really tried.  I have told myself over and over again that it's me or something I am doing wrong (maybe I doubt too much, maybe it's my past) but I have to be honest with myself, no matter how hard I try, I will never trust you.  I've realized it's also not my fault.  It was you who chose to be shady, leaving out details, lying and getting caught in the lie and then lying more to cover your tracks.  It was me who knew better but would continually give you another chance to do better, make it right but you simply couldn't.

Trust is such a delicate thing.  Perhaps I am naive, I give people my trust immediately assuming they are of the same mind (an honest person), however it always shocks me when I catch them in a lie.  I simply don't understand why people do it.  I never have, I never will.  I have always been straight up and the funny thing is, most people can't handle that but I am honest and straight up for my sense of peace.  

From my experience once the trust has been broken, you can never get it back despite how much you try.  There is always that underlying sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach of "what if he is lying?" and then you start to spin out of control.  It has also been my experience that if they are lying about the small things, they are lying about the big things, and how can you base a relationship on lies and mistrust?  You simply can't and better yet why would you want to ?

I understand you can love someone, and not wanting to let that person go because of they love you have for them, however what about the love and respect you have for yourself?  Do you not deserve an open, honest and transparent partner ?  Yes you do.  It boils down to you having to get honest with yourself and deciding what you are willing to put up with.  

I have a man who has been trying to be with me for several years, I have given him time and time again to get his shit together, ,and do what I deem is right however he just cannot.  I find the lack of details in his communication leaves too much room for interpretation.  I have caught him in a lie and I have tried to overlook it, however I find each time that "something comes up", I would find myself questioning if that is true, then doubting myself and putting myself down for mistrusting.  I like him, and I know if we had formulated a relationship we could have been an amazing power couple, but I have to be honest with myself and tonight is that night.  I will never trust him, no matter how hard I try or lie to myself.  I just won't and honestly I do not want that in my life.  I want a partner who I trust, a person who is clear and upfront and provides me with details.  I don't want to have to be probing for questions, I expect the information to flow freely, naturally and with ease.

I had a special place in my heart for this person, I had hoped that one day ... it would happen and then I realized I have been fooling myself all along.  That is not the personality type I want in my life, are there some amazing qualities ?  Sure but lying is one quality I chose not to live with.

I believe that when the right person walks into your life, there will be no need to question.  Trust will be given on both sides, there will be mutual respect and maturity to handle any situation that comes at you.

So in order to gain trust with your partner, you first have to stop lying to yoursef.

It's better to have loved and lost then to never have fully loved

We've all heard the saying, it's better to have love and lost than to have never have loved at all and I couldn't agree more.  

I want you to think back, for some of you it would be way back to when you were young and you encountered your first love.  For some of us it may have just been recently that you had your first love.  All you could do is think about that person obsessively all day, all night, you felt that your world started and ended with them.  The excitement you would get when you were on your way to go see them, the nervousness in your stomach when you got there, the sweaty palms anticipating that first kiss.  It was all so magical.  The happiness you would feel whenever they would call or walk by you in the hallway etc etc.  Your world just seemed so much better with them in it.  The days you didn't see them or talk to them just didn't seem right, it felt like something was missing.  The joy of your day was gone.

Overtime things changed, feelings dulled, fights happened, the honeymoon period was over.  Then things ended.  You were hurt, devastated, distraught and retreated to your personal fortress where you were safe.  You started to build walls around your heart, you vowed never, would you ever feel that pain again.  As time went on the walls grew taller and thicker.  You stopped taking chances, you stopped trusting and you stopped believing in love.  

Some days you would crave connection.  You would feel brave and you would come down the stairs of your tower to make it to the outside wall but never open up the gate and cross the bridge for fear of being attacked.  You deemed everyone that came to call was just like all the others before them who had hurt you. You shut down, you told yourself you were fine, you were ok, you were good alone and don't need anything like that as its all bullshit anyway. 

Then one day, someone comes along and as difficult as it is, they break down those walls, you start opening up, trusting again and once again life is complete.  You are alive, you are in love and all is great in the world.  You start to have feelings again.  You experience emotion again after you thought for sure you would be numb forever.  However this is short lived and all is destroyed yet again.  The pain and despair returns.  This time though you are different.  You've grown.  You have learned from your past mistake of shutting down and wasting years of your life in isolation.  You analyze, criticize, cry, release, forgive and make a conscious choice that this time, you are not going to let the fact that one person who didn't know how to love you, dictate your future of meeting the person who can love you.

We all make mistakes in life and in love.  Despite personalty types, everyone is going to hurt you on some level (unintentionally).  The decision is deciding who is worth weathering the storm with.  There a quote I love, which is .. Love is not about finding someone you can live with, its about finding someone you cannot live without.

I have loved, I have lost and after having the greatest love of my life destroy me on so many different levels, I had a choice to make.  I could either stay safe and avoid finding the right one or I could heal, realize the reality of the situation and keep a positive outlook that there is hope of finding the one who will be the right fit. 

If we use a modern day comparison, love can be like shoe shopping.  You see an amazing pair in the window and rush in to try them on, you are relieved they have them in your size, but you get them on and although it looks good, they just don't fit right.  Does that mean you stop shoe shopping?  NO .. hello who the hell stops shoe shopping lol ?  It means you keep looking, maybe you go into every store in the mall, and maybe you don't find that perfect pair that day and you go home disappointed.  But one day, unexpectedly you are walking through the mall, you have gone for jeans but out of the corner of your eye, there is a red pair of pumps that catch your eye.  You think "man they are gorgeous but what am I going to wear them with?"  Despite your hesitations, you go in, try them on and they are fabulous, they fit amazing and are even on sale!  Those become your most favorite pair of shoes .. 

If you have ever had a serious, true, rare love be thankful, some people never experience that in their life.  Some people settle for mediocrity while others never fully open themselves up and allow love in.  True love is magical, it will change your life.  If it ends, it ends but be thankful that you were blessed to have that experience.  

Is this DICK worth dying for?

I had so many other entries to publish before this one, ,but I just couldn't wait.  I am bothered, annoyed even.  I understand that most of society does not share the same values as me, but I truly wish they did.  Am I saying there is a right or wrong?  No, but I think a little more decorum could be used when choosing a partner.  Just so that we are clear, I have had this convo with both men and women so before you jump all over me for having double standards, just know I don't.

I think in today's society of quick fulfillment, people have truly lost the principal or ideal of what sex, or love making is really about.  Most are using it as a quick self gratification tool and a distraction method and then wonder why they are left feeling so empty afterwards.  

Learn to value yourself and your body.  Sex is magical, special and a wonderful way not only to manifest but to also evoke creative abilities.  To me, sex is sacred and only to be shared with that one special person whom I will let enter my body as well my soul.  It's about connection on such a deep powerful level.

What annoys me is being able to clearly see how people are engaging in such a powerful act before even knowing the person on a soul level.  I understand that sex is essential to any given relationship but are you truly assessing who you are sharing your mind, body and soul with before you commit such a sacred act?  The answer I receive from most people is NO.

I am currently watching a series which is amazing, but what is troubling to see is how many partners each woman has chosen to commit such a loving act with, without even knowing who they are getting in to bed with.  

I,like you don't want to waste time, and the argument is always well what if I invest time into liking that person and then when we have sex it's terrible?  Yes that is a true concern, however if you have spent time getting to know the person on a soul level and if the sex is lacking, could you not work on it to see if you could make it better?  Don't get me wrong in my younger years I have walked away but I did make the effort to try and make things better first, but I did so because I knew the soul of the person I was dealing with and had established that he was worth trying for.

Sex changes everything in a relationship, it introduces new emotions and facets, so knowing the person ahead of time helps you determine if sex should even be introduced into the equation.  Women say they can handle being a friends with benefits but as soon as the act is done, emotions start flowing and the dynamics change.  However the better question is .. why would you want to be a friend with benefits?  Are you not worthy of more?  Are you not worthy of all your dreams and desires?  

Let me ask you this ... what's wrong with waiting?  What's wrong with old fashioned courting?  The innocence of holding hands, the first kiss, light petting, foreplay?  Does anyone complain about those things?  Let the anticipation build, are we all forgetting that the anticipation is usually the best part?  Maybe its just me and my naivety.  

I am not even going to discuss the topic of potentially sexually transmitted disease or fear of pregnancy.  But i'd be asking myself .. "is this dick worth dying for?",  If we are not both going to the doctors and receiving clean bills of health then wtf am I hoping into bed with you for ?

Do I miss certain things?  For sure .. but am I willing to force a connection with someone to get those things ?  HELL NO ...  my suggestion is you work on perfecting yourself and your masturbation techniques.  That will fulfill you in more ways then I will describe in this blog post.

The most fun I've had in quarantine

So through this dating site, they are now offering people to go live.  I wasn't sure how I felt about doing such a thing, I have gone live on my Instagram but it's a smaller audience and some of the people I know.  I decided what the hell, what did I really have to lose?  So I showered and did my hair and voila, after working through the technical kinks I was ready!  It was one of the best things I had done since in self isolation (aside from all the healing I've been doing).  It's been fun, funny, informative and so much more.  I have chatted with some nice people.  It too has helped me notice how far I have come along in my personal development.

The first night I was in the chat a girl came in and insulted me telling me that I needed to fix my makeup.  LOL "first of all bitch I am not wearing any .. and secondly do you even own a mirror?"  I asked. Don't come into my domain and start insulting me, it wont bode well for you.  Between that and my extreme personality I quickly became the throat punch lady.  I went on several nights in a row, one night doing a dj battle, another night having jokes at someone else's expense, another night it was me doing sit ups as my opponent didn't show but I can see some friendships forming.  These people have gone out of their way to promote my Youtube videos to other participants while in the chat.  Some have even reached out to me on other platforms to ask me when I am doing my next live.  One guy said that it's the hardest he's laughed since this whole pandemic started, another said that its the hardest he's laughed ever. 

It was so nice that for several hours, we were all able to get lost and pleasantly distracted from the current state of chaos.  These people are from all over the world.  They come back to view my lives as they enjoy who I am as a person.  They said that amongst all the lives that mine is entertaining, fun and smart.  I clicked on to see what other people were doing, some girls dancing to make money or doing workouts and using their body or taking things to a sexual level, but I like the fact that I don't have to.

Have there been some trolls?  Yes for sure, within the same week I had two men come in and right off the bat tell me that I am fat.  I did curse them off and made the regret the day they were born but I noticed how much I have grown spiritually, before I would have let a comment like that OCD in my mind and bug me for days.  Now I just let it roll off my back.  Last night a guy came in and said "your nose is bigger than the 401" to which I replied .. 'its still bigger than your dick"'  if you are trying to pick a battle or wit or words, wrong chat to step into.  

Last night I had my boys there while I made cupcakes, tonight it was steak and spinach.  Its nice to check in daily with these people and see how people are holding up during their day.  I feel like Norm walking into "cheers".

Its honesty been an experience i didnt expect in a million years.  I am loving it.  If ever you care to join me .. download Skout or Meetme and look me up.  Imsimplydynamic is my line across all my platforms.

BLOG 1 

Keeping this one private for now.