He didn't love me - he simply loved the way I loved him.

This isn't the first time I've been conflicted and I am sure it won't be the last.  Tonight I am conflicted on being conflicted.  I received some information, that I knew but I am honestly at a standstill on how to process it, perhaps its the constant headache and sleep deprivation playing havoc on my brain.

Let me paint you a little picture, there are two men, different time frames, yet same outcome.  The outcome of which is almost causing me to question my self worth, that is the part I do not care for.

You see I was in a relationship and the man (whom I thought was the love of my life) after over a year of being together sent me this image. 

He sent it to me after I had asked him why he thought it was that he wasn't willing to do the small things I asked of him to make me happy.  He couldn't ever give me an answer as to why he couldn't or rather wouldn't do those things.  Imagine how devastated I was.  Here I am doing the things he asked of me to make him happy and in return I was receiving nothing.  I internalized it.  What was so wrong with me, that he wasn't willing to do these small things?  Over time (a lot of time, a lot of thinking, OCD can be a blessing and a curse).  I realized that he didn't in fact love me, like he said he did.  What he loved was how I loved him.  His cup was full because I kept filling it.  He felt loved.  I never did, I explained it to him, he said he understood, he swore he loved me and that things would change, and they did not.  

Now we flip to guy number two.  Extremely wealthy business man ( the one mentioned in my previous post).  This man and I had gone on several dates, he had proposed buying us a house, trips etc.  However the follow through was never there, *reminder anyone can talk a good game - talk is cheap.  Years went on and he finally came back to admit to me his living situation which involves a mother and a sister he needs to take care of and that now he will never be able to move out of our country to be with me in my future plans.  I mentioned to him that life is all about choices, and he said yes that is a choice and one he chooses to make knowing full well that he cannot pursue me in a romantic fashion anymore.  I said as long as you don't get upset when you see me on the arms of another man, then we can remain friends.  

There I was again, a second man choosing not to do what it would require.  There I was again fascinated with the words that they spew saying how amazing I am etc etc .. yet neither one willing to change and be a better version of themselves or do what is needed to be with me.  It made me start to analyze why would that be?  Replaying the mantra in my head .. "A man who is not ready will get ready if you are the woman he wants" .. so then that is it .. isn't it ?  I am a woman that they want, but are not willing to put in the work to get .. so does that mean they are going to go for an easier woman ?