I need you

 If we were together right now it would be amazing. I need you so badly right now. I am scared, I am in so much pain and I am all alone. My head is hurting so badly I wanna cry but I can’t because of how much pain I’m in. 

I’m so tired, I just wanna sleep but I can’t because of how bad my head hurts. The pounding is coming from the right side and if I honestly thought that they could do something for me at the hospital I would go.

If you were here if you were here You could at least go get me a cold compress, or something to drink or simply tell me that it’ll be OK and hug me. But you’re not here. You are wherever you are with whoever you’re with.

You could at least go get me a cold compress, or something to drink or simply tell me that it’ll be OK and hug me. But you’re not here. You are wherever you are with whoever you’re with.

I’ve been taking care of everyone all my life, Not once has someone taken care of me and I’m exhausted, I’m burnt out.

The last two years have been absolute hell. The constant worrying, over thinking and inability to plan or do anything. The feeling of being trapped, hopeless and just wanting to give up on life. Things got really bad and I really didn’t know where to turn or what to do. If I had to pick an upside to it all I guess I would pick the spiritual awakening I had and the healing I’ve done.  However it was done alone ... like everything in my life.  I do acknowledge part of being alone is a choice ... but part of it isn’t.  Out of all times to be completely alone, my first choice wouldn’t have been during a pandemic.

I search for you, even though I shouldn’t as they say the universe will bring you together when it’s meant to be. I question myself, my healing and my journey wondering when it’s going to be time. I’ve felt I was ready but you’re still not here. Is that my doing? Is that you’re doing? Or is it simply divine timing that hasn’t taken place yet? I’ve spent many nights crying wishing hoping you’d hurry up and come. I’ve witnessed people come together and if people break up but none of that changes the fact that I’m here alone and you are no where to be found.

I wonder what you’ll be like. I’ve written many lists to request what you’ll be like and I sure hope that the creator can fit all of that into one person. I know if they can you’re going to be better than I could ever imagine.

I’ve watched TV shows and movies so that I could get a grasp of what being in a healthy relationship may be like and what it may feel like. All I can do is imagine as I’ve never experienced that. All the men before you have been abusive physically, mentally, some have cheated, lied, stolen from me and have been plain narcissists. It has been a never ending cycle of abuse. Does it stem from my childhood and the father I had ? I believe so.

I’ve never really had a man that was overly nice to me. All these romcoms that exist I’ve never had that. If they were to make a movie about my love life it would be sad. It would be a combination of a drama and a horror movie.

After all the years of all of everything I went through tired, tired of giving my all and raising someone up I’m keeping relationships alive always being the one to contribute everything I’ve got in order to receive very little in return. I was left devastated.  It’s taken so long but I finally healed it. It bothered me that it took me so long, it made me question and wonder why it was taking so long. I came to the conclusion that you can’t rush your healing. I also realized so much during that time, so many lessons learned that I will now share with others around the world in one way or another.