The things I wish I could say to you - M

 The things I wish I could say to you, But can’t because you’re defensive. You’ve convoluted who you are as a person not only in your mind but you other people.

 you’ve told other people how good you were to me which is a lie.  Now that I’m older I understand that you couldn’t be good to me because you weren’t good to yourself but that doesn’t change how you made me feel back then.

you’ve always prioritized yourself, your needs, your fears and you manipulated me all the time. You took advantage of my kindness, and you still do. Because I loved you I could not see through what you were doing. It took me years to realize how much you used me.

Even to this day things that you do and say still trigger me. I’ve done so much work, so much work to forgive you, to heal but I realize you’ll never change and it’s not that I don’t want you to, I’ve changed but I don’t know how much I can let you be a part of my life being the person that you are.

Even to this day things that you do and say still trigger me. I’ve done so much work, so much work to forgive you, to heal but I realize you’ll never change and it’s not that I don’t want you to, I’ve changed but I don’t know how much I can let you be a part of my life being the person that you are.

You’ve always prioritized other people Over me. You’ve turned your back on me, you’ve stolen from me, you’ve lied to me and the worst part was you never acknowledging my feelings.

You’ve never made me feel special. Even to this day you remind me constantly how I am not unique, how I’m not special and how everyone goes through the things I go through. There is never a point in time where you can just listen and be empathetic, compassionate and understanding. If that is your defence mechanism that is fine but it doesn’t work for me. I am Constantly in a state of not feeling good enough because of how you talk to me.

constantly in a state of not feeling good enough because of how you talk to me.

I know you don’t believe the things I believe.I know you think a lot of the spiritual healing I do is bullshit. I bet at times you even think I’m crazy but you at least have to come out and fully said it. I’ve offered to help you but you refused, is it because you’re scared or is it because you simply stuck in your ways and you’re afraid of change?

I know you think a lot of the spiritual healing I do is bullshit. I bet at times you even think I’m crazy but you at least have to come out and fully said it. I’ve offered to help you but you refused, is it because you’re scared or is it because you simply stuck in your ways and you’re afraid of change?

You were the one that was supposed to be there for me, you were the one that was supposed to keep me safe, keep me protected but sometimes you were the one I needed to be protected from. We are blood, but clearly we’re not at the same blood. Your blood runs cold and I’ll never understand how you could treat me the way that you have what I have done nothing but protect you and love you When really it should’ve been the other way around.

when really it should’ve been the other way around.

At times I feel you set me up to fail, you’ve ruined certain events in my life and stolen the joy from things that should’ve been joyous. I’ve seen the jealousy, but I don’t understand it because how can you be jealous of me that makes no logical sense. I didn’t make it farther in life than You did yet you hold me accountable for the consequences of your own actions. I know you blame me, you blame me for ruining your life and you see him and me which must make you hate me on some level. All of that is not my fault. If you had healed And learned about healing we could be in a different place right now. It must be an odd situation for you to have in your head the dynamic of obligation without love.

and learned about healing we could be in a different place right now. It must be an odd situation for you to have in your head the dynamic of obligation without love.

I’ve seen some changes in you over the years very minute. You try and be positive but it’s like putting a smile on an evil person. It’s like having a two layer cake the cake is all full of hatred and resentment and anger and then you put a thin layer positive icing on top of it. Do you think that hides who you truly are? Do you think that hides your racism? Do you think that hides your ignorance?

Do you know how hard it was to see you destroying yourself with alcohol and choosing men who meant nothing to you over me? They did nothing for you, I did things for you, I loved you, I idolized you, I wanted to be like you, you were my role model (until you changed).  I saw you were strong, independent and fierce. But perhaps that was my illusion and as I got older and I started to see things clearly I started to see the wizard behind the show.