I’m so tired hun

 Babe I’m so fucking tired, physically and mentally I’m drained. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of having no answers as to why I feel this way physically.

I’ve now had a migraine and headaches for over a week again I had really thought this was done, I really thought I had it figured out. I don’t know if it’s the stress which I’m guessing it might be.I’ve only really told one person but I have what’s called a drain or nodules, I didn’t think it was anything major but I didn’t realize that it’s a form of benign cancer from my understanding.

Do you know what I wished the most tonight?  I wish that you were here and that I could just hug you and snuggle with you and curl up with you and I just fall asleep. I wish that I could feel loved. I wish that I could feel safe.I wish that I could feel connected. I long for a gentle touch. I long for caring and alarm for someone to actually care about me.

Do you know that all my life even growing up I didn’t really have anyone that cared about me. Not my parents, not my family, not my friends and sure as hell not any man in my life.  When I say all my life yes sadly I mean up until this day.

I’ve been abused physically and mentally. I won’t get into everything that’s ever happened because what’s the point? I will say that I was starved of love and physical touch but the worst part was at times when I was sick there was no one to care for me at all even though I lived in a house with my partner.

I had someone about me that after they heard everything that has been done to me along the years that they promised they would never do that to me. Well he did. He reflected childhood wounding I didn’t even know I had. Broken promises, the change of plans without telling me, the lies, the disrespect, the manipulation and much more.  I never got a birthday cards, Christmas cards or gifts.  I barely got a simple picture.  That is exactly the connection to my dad. My dad did the same thing. It wasn’t until a few nights ago I was watching a show and I realize that when that person left and chose someone else over me that it was reflecting the wounding in my childhood from my mother.